My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
