HIV tests are more positive than that guy
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
