i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
