this is something i pride myself on being below average for
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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