He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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