Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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