I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize