the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
