They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
