We should be called the Road Head Warriors
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
