you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
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I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
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By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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