Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize