why do cheetos always look like penises
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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