i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
