you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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