Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
