Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
