she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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