the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
