He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Randomize
