Kareoke will never be a sober sport
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
