You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
