I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
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I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
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i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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