just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
