my phone needs a breathalizer
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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