I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
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