Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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