Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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