this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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