I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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