who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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