After last night, I could never be a politician.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
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It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
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You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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