What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
