And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
