new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
