I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Houston, we have a blender
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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