Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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