i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
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We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
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Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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