Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
what day is it and did you see me today?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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