On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
FUCK WHALES
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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