I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
