If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I have post one night stand depression
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