@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just took my morning after pill in the library
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
