she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
