Well douche your snatch and let's go!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
