allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
