you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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