I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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