There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
