I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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