hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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