ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just want nice things and good sex
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
