and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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