How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
