so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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