I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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