I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
