ya dads aren't the best wingmen
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
