How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
