Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
