last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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