I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Randomize
