i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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