Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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